“Quick” is the word I could use when describing how my anger level used to be. Ask my kids who all know the point when this mom is done with their ridiculousness. Yes, they had warnings…”Stop that!”. Then the next step was “I told you to____fill in the blank (stop that, clean that up, put that away). With each warning the tone of my voice got louder. Next was the famous, “I’m coming up there!” Why is it so necessary to push those “mom buttons”? Looking back (way back in my case) I suppose I did plenty pushing to my own mom and if she was here today, she’d probably share lots of stories which I most likely don’t want to hear. In that respect…. I’ll stop there. I was going to share some of my childrens “let’s push mom to the brink” moments but I suppose we all have them we can recall without too much trouble.
I used to be quick to judge others. What were they thinking wearing THAT out in public? How can they dress like THAT to church? How can he afford THAT car…THAT vacation…THAT boat? How can they listen to THAT music? They need to do something with those kids of theirs! She’ll NEVER change. She’ll NEVER get a job. Like MY picture was so rosey! I was going to church on Sunday and spending my time judging others from the time we hit the parking lot through Sunday dinner. Just like the kids….it was ridiculousness. How God sees through our egos and still loves us anyway is beyond me.
I used to be quick to put my wall up. You know what wall I’m talking about…the wall that says, “I’m done talking.” The wall that shuts your feelings in and leaves you angry, hurt and alone. The wall that goes up quickly (built of impenetrable block and mortar) and comes down very, VERY slowly…. little pieces at a time.
At some point in our lives we need to look in the mirror and say, “I’m sorry you’ve been so hurt before but you’ve got to stop hurting now and believe that God loves you so and sees through the judgments you’re spewing out. Now it’s time to love others…warts and all.”
Learn some new language. Sometimes you need to not say anything. Sometimes you need more information. Sometimes you need to validate the other person’s right to their opinion. Sometimes you need to diffuse and argument and sometimes you just need to tell someone that you love them.
I’ve learned the following phrases that have been a lifesaver:
“Isn’t that interesting.” Use this line when your kids tell you their plans for the next phase of their lives (instead of telling them something won’t work or making a comment that will squash their dreams). It works well when your grown children are expressing their opinion on matters that you definitely disagree on, too. I’ve used it many times over the years with much success until one day when I my youngest asked me how to comment on someone else and I explained my “Isn’t that interesting” line to her. She totally called her sister and blabbed. Now I’m working on a new phrase…. If you have one I’m very open to hearing it.
“I might be wrong but…” Works in ALL debates and negotiations. Great for husbands and co-workers alike. Drops the anxiety level immediately but doesn’t make you sound like a ditz.
“Help me to understand your ___________(point, decision, idea)” Obviously used when you absolutely think someone else has a bad idea but you don’t want to tell them outright. It lets them know you don’t get what their talking about, but you care enough to try to understand their point.
“I don’t get it…I don’t believe that’s a good idea…I don’t see anything good coming out of that at all but I believe in you and I love you.” This is the last resort when you have nothing to say that won’t hurt someone else’s feelings. Remember…you’ve made some dumb decisions in the past too…none of us can avoid dumb decisions but we can let others know we love them. It’s the hardest when you have the wisdom to see the future someone else doesn’t see. Imagine how God feels. He sees that every day with his children, but He’s given us free will so He knows we’ll make mistakes…plenty of them…yet He loves us unconditionally. As children of God we have to ask for wisdom to see our wrong behavior, ask forgiveness and hope we get it right the next time. I can live with a do-over, but I don’t want 40 years of do-overs before I finally get it right.
Living To Hear Six means you are slow to anger, slow to judge, slow to build your wall and if it’s already up then break a hole in it and let the light in. Speak in love, not condemning or judging. Encourage others, lift them up and when you look in the mirror make sure Jesus is looking back at you.
